Tuesday, January 16, 2018

January Blues 2018

So my last post was pretty negative and angry. I hope I can move on from this depression. I just have to let things go and live each day as it comes. I have not taken good care of myself. Letting Myself get lost and not caring. It affects my friendships and relationships and then I find myself hiding out and not socializing much with others. I keep on burring my head in the sand. I look at other peoples art and instead of being inspired I get jealous and envious that it was not my idea.

Being unhealthy with my diet really has brought me spiraling downward and now I am trying to get back to a happy place. I closed my shop as it was making me more depressed. My own art no longer looked good to me. I had been looking at the same art every weekend for four years and now it is time to make new different art. In my last post I blamed Crafted some and that's not fair. It's my own fault. This depression often wins with me. My apologies to the old ladies who enjoy Crafted. I hope you continue to enjoy shopping there.

Most days are a challenge for me to get going. It's hard just putting on my shoes. I have all this love inside though that is waiting to spill out onto the canvas but when I sit down to paint the old art is still there. I think it's time for a painting class or trying new ideas. I never really know how successful I am or if anyone is following me for sure. Were my four years at my shop all in vein? I don't have many Instagram followers compared to most people (there I go comparing again...) This is why I need to stay off social media. It brings me down and fills me with self doubt. When I get working on art and new ideas i get too busy and in the zone to worry about what's happening around me. It can be addictive but it can also be isolating if I work too much.

sometimes I take time out to reward myself now and then with something non food related. Maybe I will go comic book shopping or to a flea market. Most times I shop online but it is never as much fun as hunting down a good small treasure and it just prolongs my isolation and keeps me from facing the world.

I have lots of anxiety when I am out in the world. People stare at me so I often have to take steps to build up to going out in public. I meditate or count numbers in my mind before I get out of my car most times. I have very low self esteem and I am hyper body conscious and it leads to self loathing and most often fear of being seen in public.

People can be rotten so I have let go of a few recently who are toxic to me. Supportive positive friends can often help bring back my happy place so I hold on to them hopefully without leaning on them too much. My father moved back east last month and that is good. He never supported my art dreams. He turned into and angry man with the help of lots of booze. He stopped loving and caring back in the 70's somewhere. He supports other peoples kids often but his own family he gave up on.
So he is in the freezing cold now. Which is fitting. I still love him but I can no longer be around him. Too toxic.

So I am eating off smaller sized plates now and making better choices but I do need to start documenting victories and achievements which is why I am blogging. Getting out my thoughts and feelings all typed out helps me solve depression problems. Talking about it helps. My mom taught me to communicate my feelings to break though depression and survive being bullied by others and most of all being bullied by my own dad.

Next week I will have lots of improvements to report on my progress. I will also have lots of new art getting made up. so stay tuned to my website: www.scottaicher.com or www.popkustomshoppe.com.
Make today and everyday great. Keep trying. Keep on trucking. Keep the faith. Keep hope alive....

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