I have been getting my shoppe filled up and stocked for a future I foresee being a lucrative one for myself (as long as I don't look back too often). I have gotten back to a place in my life that I thought was long gone. It's true you can't go back, but parts of the past are there in me still that I thought got lost long ago. Maybe it never left. One thing I know today is every morning is another chance to make good choices. I still have unbalanced days, but now I am aware most times when I get off the path. I woke up this morning swearing at the air, then realized the rest of the day would be pretty lame if I stayed like that. I had some of the coffee my wonderful wife makes for us each morning and to show gratitude went to do the grocery shopping. When i got home I felt I did a Good job of turning a bad start into a good day.
Was it Jeff Bridges that said how he found success was to have someone to love, something to do and something to look forward to? The someone to love obviously is my wife, but in order to keep her happy she can't be the only one in my life that I love. My dog on the other hand, he just wants me around, but now and then I venture out in the world away from the couch on the search. I tend to keep it to my usual spots involving guitars, comic books, toys or records as that's my bag (but, you knew that, right?) so now and then I go hunting for something that hits the spot. I am pretty picky about exactly what I am hunting for that week is what I hope to find, but often it's not there that day. Internet hunting I really try to pace myself on. I get obsessed online. I find things I think I can't live without and when I get them in the mail I know immediately I don't need it to survive. Which brings me to the pit that is currently occupying my studio. I don't know which area of my collection piles up the fastest. I look around and its usually clear what this months objects are. It keeps building because this is me...this is what I am. Sometimes it inspires me like art books or music. The toys mostly I look at as sculptures. The guitar herd is currently getting thinned down, but I will return to obsessing on them another day and hopefully not regret purging a few. Purging is the only way to keep it balanced. There was I time I felt unworthy of all of it and in turn I felt unworthy of being loved, but as I took small steps toward better health and finally forgave myself for everything I found the wonderful guy that I am and I patted myself on the back and said to myself,"you are worthy".
I have had to re-learn things. One thing I learned a few years back was I stopped drinking. It does not work for me. I get a buzz from collecting but I have to earn it to enjoy it and get the full effect of the reward. I have to make a few good decisions during the week. I few good walks. Do a few things around the house. Make smart choices. It has to mean something. Otherwise it's hoarding stuff. I really want to earn that package at the end of the week (something to look forward to). I can remember why, when and where I bought most of everything I own and now and then some things in my collection become part of someone else's collection. The balance is not to let it weigh you down. I don't see it the same today. They are all things I can live without. I have my wife and my dog and my health first and foremost. The rest is gravy.
If you find these posts of mine a bit corny and sappy happy you are right. I make them to pick myself up. To think and remember all of the good decisions and choices I made this week. I telling myself, "hey you, lucky guy I like your smile" and what you want is not on the end of your fork. T.v. Ads will bring you down...don't let them grind you down. Don't worry what people say and don't take shit from jive turkeys. Stop contemplating, start celebrating... And quit apologizing for being you. You have a lot of heart. What's behind you, is not in front of you.